Alone at Christmas

I’ve been sad lately. The holidays are upon us and I’m thinking of my Gizmo. The emptiness that I feel at his death still grabs me by the heart and makes tears fill my eyes.

I keep trying to decorate, but I stop part way through, sit on the couch and sip my wine. Gizmo always used to help me decorate. He’d put his head into the boxes to see what delights might be in store. He’d pull tinsel and then dance when it would tumble down on his head.

I’d find him chewing on the cord to the christmas tree lights and when I’d tell him to stop he’d look at me with his eyes bright and his mouth open in delight. I’d laugh and pick him up turning in a slow circle I’d give him a good neck cuddle before putting him down with a safe treat or a toy to play with while I continue to decorate.

I’m finding the pictures from past years of the pups at Christmas. With his deep chocolate hair a bit too long he looks like a hippy in his christmas vest.
He’s always right next to Taz as company comes to visit. He never barks. He never growls. He loves everyone. My Gizmo.

Losing Gizmo has been so hard and heartbreaking. Seeing something you love with all your heart suffer and die is one of the worst trials to survive. Add the sweet tender innocence that was Gizmo and it’s nearly unbearable.

I am changed. I am different. I am not as powerful as I was before I lost my Gizmo. His death has affected my every day life. I feel insecure. I feel exposed. I feel broken. We are no longer a complete family. 

Years ago I decided that I would spend my time doing the things I love and I love being with my puppies. I love spending time with them and loving them with all my heart. Unfortunately, losing the thing you love with all your heart has consequences that are paramount and life altering.

Making that decision years ago contributed to my broken heart. I can see why people would chose to never love again after this pain. The ache is incredible, but I have a Super Taz and Poco that need my love, and now I have a Jackson. Why? Why would I ever chose to suffer this pain again? Why would I open myself to the possibility of more heartache?

Because. Because I cannot bear to hear of their suffering and do nothing. Because I need him as much as he needs me. Because Jackson deserves a better life. Because the only way I’ll get stronger is to love more. Because the only way to heal the heart is with love.

Merry Christmas Gizmo. We miss you so much.

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